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Quality Hate Mail


Anonymous

Anonymous
<Cause I felt the site needed it. Blame richschmidt for giving me the idea.> [satire] I am dissappointed by the utter void of quality, depth, preception, and quanity in, and of, the hate-mail we are recieving. Much of it could come from the million monkey theory reject bin. I will take some time later to make some suggestions for future hate-mail. I like to surf the web looking for major flamewars and have become quite the coniseur of vile bile and pain that comes with a good hate mail. The utter gut-wrenching spite and personal attacks that are required and spewed forth by someone that _really_ hates a product. The abyssmal pit of absolute revulsion that well done hate mail possesses is missing. Let us cover the basics of a really good hatemail:1) Use numbered lists. The take up lots of valuable page space and look like you might have put some effort into the post. Like you're really thinking as you write a fine hatemail. Like you're not really hacked off to the point of no return. They give a readed the false hope that you might have something intelligent to say. It forces them to scroll through an endless post of absolute tripe swiftly, impacting them on a subconsious level, like subliminal advertising. 2)Don't actually make any real sense. Do nothing that might possibly remotely help the folks you're writing to. If at all possible also mail you're post to the developers mailing list as well, just to confuse thing even more. 3)If you have a spell checker, load it with a dictionary filled with every mispelling you can ram into it. Proper spelling is a sign that you're not pissed/drunk enough. Force your reader to dwell on the verbal toxin you spew by causing them to waste brain cycles deciphering what you might have really meant to type. It's like doing all the algebra homework (it's a type of math). 4)Use the usernames most frequently found in the comments. GL makes this easy by having it on one page sorted into a top ten. Make unfounded personal referances to hygene and sexual habits. Misquote them at random. 5)Inflate your problems to epic and ludecrus proportions. The more bizarre and obscure you can get the smarted you look. This gives you credibility, without marring the emotional impact of the errors you must include. As pointed out in many comments to the hate-mail section, a great many of the complaints could be prevented by simply aquiring the ability to read at an eight-grade level. I realize that is no longer a requirement to graduate in many inner-city public schools, but how on earth did you manage to get online, let alone fill out the loan and/or layaway papers to gain the computer in the first place? Perhaps the machine "fell off the back of a truck."? Your grevience cannot simple be resolved by a simple RTFM reply. You will need something on a grander scale. 6)If the censor doesn't block out 20% of the words you use, expand your vocabulary by hanging out at seedy dockside bars with merchant marines. 7)Be snide. It can't hurt you any worse. Blame them seceretly for your last divorce. I have made some examples below: [example] I loaded GodLost on my F*%^&$G home computer and managed to install the F(%&&#*G thing by unpacking the G*$ D$&$ "tarball" with about a half pint of paint thinner. Then my computer caught fire and the cdrom shot through the wall killing my dog. My ten year old daughter then wandered into the next room and a number of things happened: 1)The dog, cut the f%$^ in half, is howling his F^$%#& death. 2)The Daughter comes into a room with flower wallboarders and a disembowled puppy screaming on the carpet. 3)The daughter screams 4)I get a G^$ D#%$ room cleaning bill for 300$ to clean up the dog 5)I get a counciling bill for 3000$ fixing my kid. What I want to know is, why does Blaine "you don't contribute enough" Developer hate dogs? And where the F$^% is my 3300$? [/example] [example] I uploaded GL to my ISP, but all the files keep showing up as attachments in my email inbox. My ISP says it's your code acting like a macro virus. Then my toaster quit working, but that may have been the freaking aliens in my TV. I read the G$^ D@#$ instruction, the F&*#^@( S^%&&$ A#^ site, the S^%&&$ readme, and about 20 gazillion lines of code. And what I really want to know is when Squatty "writes all the plug-ins" and that Tom guy are going to come to my Alaskan home and fix the D&$^ ^#^% *#*$ thing for me before i go and $^#&$* someone th $^#* up?!? You call that support? geeze. And another Y$&# thing! WTF IS UP WITH THAT CODE?? intVarConfig$? this = that? I can't read this stuff, is it any wonder it doesn't work! For the love of god! Please spend more time with your familys! I can't understand a D$#% thing you P*$&% wrote. [/example] So lets juice it up kiddos! after all the database isn't bloated enought with useless input! [/satire]
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Anonymous

Anonymous
Very funny indeed Big Grin
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Anonymous

Anonymous
Excellent! They don't write them like that anymore :-)
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